Death Whispered a Lullaby
by MoonInLove07
Summary: Derek was happy with his first daughter's arrival. But Penelope dies giving birth and his world crumbles around him. He'll be involved in painful memories, bitter regrets and conflicting feelings towards his own baby.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: **I OWN NOTHING**

**AN: First off, I'm a mess. If you think you have read this fic, you're not crazy. I wanted to add another chapter and I ended up deleting the whole thing (by accident). **

**I also deleted the chapters of my PC. Sooooo I had to start almost from new. (Luckily, I had loose notes out there LOL) Anyway, I changed some things :P**

This week I'll upload new chapters of 'Unfaithful'. I'll continue with this fic when Candy finished ok?

Sorry about the mess :(

**Kisses&Hugs**

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He should be happy. Derek Morgan should be the happiest man in the world at that very moment. His first child had come into the world, a beautiful baby who had her mommy's eyes and her father's features. Her hair was dark and curly, identical to the one he'd as a baby.

He had not caressed her caramel skin, but knew it was soft as cotton. Yes, he should be happy. However, Derek had never hated so much his own life.

He was on the hospital's waiting room when felt someone walking towards him. Emily left that little angel over his thighs, but her daddy remained motionless.

"She's your daughter," she whispered in her most sweetest voice, "Please, look at her. This cutie is your baby, Morgan"

He kept immune to Emily's encouragement words for him to look at the baby.

His child moved into his lap, making those little noises that babies always do. Derek placed his hands on her little body, lifting her from his thighs. Not for anything he wanted to hurt his girl.

Derek looked at her delicate features with wet eyes, trying to find something in her face to ease his pain. That beautiful girl was born thanks to him. She owed her life to the great love that he'd shared with Penelope. But this little being, she had taken everything from him. Her mom had given her life in exchange for the one of their daughter, and he... he still didn't want to deal with his pain. It was too strong. It was too recent.

He swallowed hard, before placing the little baby in Emily's arms. She looked at him with her big black eyes, not knowing what to do.

"Where are you going?" she asked, watching her teammate leaving the waiting room "Come back here, Morgan!"

He stopped dead in the middle of that dark hall to watch the rest of his teammates. All of them were right there, pain on their faces. It was supposed that this was going to be a happy day. However, it ended in tragedy.

Derek could see his youngest friend walking slowly towards him. He looked really devastated. Spencer Reid looked into his eyes and spoke in a weak voice "I'm sorry, Morgan. So sorry. I-"

"It's okay," Derek said, as he noticed the eyes of the whole team on him. "Where is my mom?"

"She's in the cafeteria"

He nodded and headed for the elevator. Then he saw Emily Prentiss, standing with that little pink blanket. Derek could see her little fists in the air while she was babbling.

His heart beat madly against his chest, watching their baby. If Penelope could see her ... She was sure they were going to be parents of a girl. She was so sure, he painted her room walls in pink and white. He said the most important thing was the baby's health.

If he could return to those days, these wouldn't be his words.

_I don't care if it's a boy or a girl. I don't even want to have this stupid baby if you're not here with me_

Derek Morgan had danced with life. He'd enjoyed his bachelor status, his job, his friends and his party nights. He had women, success and happiness. But then came her. Penelope Garcia achieved what no other woman could get.

And that wasn't a wedding ring or a fidelity promise, but his friendship and his trust.

A sincere friendship as strong as life. Her boyfriends never understood their relationship. His girlfriends were always jealous of their friendship. So, the two of them ended up without a lover, but then, it wasn't big deal. They had each other.

A dinner, a few drinks, a pillow fight. A hug at midnight, a movie night, a little trip to the beach. Everything was easier when Penelope was by his side. She was happiest with his presence.

They were somewhat drunk when Penelope said "I think you and I should have sex"

Derek looked at her with his eyebrows raised in surprise, before the two of themstarted to burst out laughing. "You know what I think?"

"Kevin is stupid?"

He rolled his eyes upward, "Please, don't name this guy in my presence"

Penelope laughed loudly, throwing herself on his mattress. Yes, they were able to sleep in the same bed without having sex. Although that doesn't mean they didn't have a big desire for each other. Too much chemistry. Maybe too much for their own good.

"Don't do it again. I cross my heart"

Derek lie down beside her, staring at the ceiling "I think we should go to Vegas and get married"

"That would be nice. Can you imagine Hotch's face?"

He turned to look at her with a mischievous smile on his face, "Are we going to Vegas?"

Penelope narrowed her eyes, biting her lower lip. Then she rose from the bed and bent down to pick up her shoes. "Alright. Let's go to Sin City"

And it that started as a joke, became the smartest decision of their lives. They were happy, in love and wanting a lovely life. Derek bought a huge house, with garden and pool. Penelope changed her beloved Cadillac for a family car. Life was sweet. Too sweet ...

Derek walked with firm steps towards Emily, and took his baby in his arms. Then he looked at his daughter again, this time more carefully. He ran his fingers through her chubby cheeks, gently caressing her skin. Her little hand grasped his finger.

She was his daughter. Flesh of his flesh, blood of his blood. His little treasure, his whole life. He wanted to love her with all his heart, but he was unable to.

Derek knew he was behaving like a bastard, but he couldn't help the thoughts that crossed his mind. It was he who wanted to be a father. It was he who asked Penelope start a family. She was afraid, but he said _nothing bad would happen_. If that baby hadn't been born, Penelope would be alive.

Derek saw his mother approaching him. Fran always wanted grandchildren. She had been happy the whole pregnancy, buying clothes and toys for her little one.

"Baby"

"Mom, listen to me" he ordered, placing his daughter in his mother's arms "Take care of her"

"What are you saying?"

"I want her to live with you"

"Derek, please. She is not to blame"

He frowned, before shaking his head. "No, this isn't her fault. I wanted this damn baby and now ... Now my wife is dead!"

Fran froze near the elevator door, watching as her son ran down stairs. Her tears began to fall down her cheeks, wetting the cloth that covered her granddaughter. She kissed the baby's forehead, whispering: "Your daddy loves you, my sweet. He'll return for you, baby"


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer **I DON'T OWN ANYTHING**

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"How are you feeling?"

Derek Morgan shifted uncomfortably in the chair. He was sitting right there just because Hotch obliged him. He wanted to go back to work as soon as possible.

It had been two months since Penelope's death but her husband still couldn't accept that. Derek looked around, and everything reminded him of her. It was as if she could appear at any time.

Her clothes were still in her side of the closet, her cup was next to the coffeemaker and her PC was still on. The psychiatrist warned him that if his house doesn't accepted her absence, he never could to move on with his life. But if Derek was honest with himself, he didn't want to move on. He wanted to live trapped in that life, the one where Penelope lived. Right where he could hear her laugh, touch her hand and feel her lips.

But that was a stupid thought impossible to achieve. Although he didn't get rid of her stuff or turn off her PC. Penelope was gone. Forever.

"That question is pretty stupid. My boss doesn't make me to come here to talk about my fucking happiness"

Dr. Swanson raised an eyebrow, writing something in his notebook. "Ok, Derek. Tell me, have you visited Penelope grave?"

"Of course not," he growled, crossing his arms.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't feel like it" Derek snorted in disgust, passing his hand over his face, "I can go now?"

The man looked at him without hiding his surprise. "This is good for you, Derek. You need to let off steam, scream your feelings and cry your grief. That's the only way you can be happy again"

"I just want working again. Don't want to be a useless all the time. I was someone who struggled to improve this fucking world and now I'm... I don't even know who I am"

His eyes shut closed, while Derek felt that familiar pain again inside his chest. His heart pounded against his ribs, making every beat more painful. In seconds, he could start to sob like a little kid, and he didn't want the damn Doctor seeing his tears.

But something inside him had shifted, his strings were broken, and right then, he couldn't stop it. His tears ran down his cheeks, but that no longer mattered.

"I don't know if I want to live anyway. Since she left, I close my eyes but I can't sleep and if I do, my nightmares are awful. Then I get up from bed and go wandering around my house like a damn insane, talking to myself, crying and cursing my life. And I know I have to fight because I have a baby who needs me, but sometimes I wish she'd never been born and then ... then I feel shit because I'm not the father that my daughter deserves "

He buried his face in his hands trying to calm his ragged breathing. Derek wiped away his tears with the back of his hand, sighing loudly. His moist dark eyes looked straight to Eric Swanson.

"Do you really think I'm going to be happy again? 'Cause I think that it will ever happen"

"Of course you can be happy again," he said with conviction, closing his notebook "This is a very hard time in your life but this will end some day"

Derek let out a bitter humorless laugh, "Saying something like that is so easy for you. But you don't understand anything"

"Yes, I understand you. Penelope's death has hurt you, but you survived it. You're here, your daughter is here. And it's sad, maybe even cruel, but life must go on"

"You don't understand!" he shouted, rising from his chair, "You know nothing! Only fuckin facts and sets phrases from your damn books, but this, what I feel, you don't understand it. I didn't lose my wife. That woman was everything to me. She was my best friend, my reason to go every day. She was the only woman for me and it always will be. So don't tell me that life goes on, you must be happy and all that bullshit. I want my work again, and maybe some bastard psycho will kill me"

He could see consternation in the clear eyes of Dr. Swanson. Derek shook his head helplessly, dropping his gaze to the floor. The last thing he wanted was to scare that poor man. Swanson really seemed interested in helping him to overcome his grief.

Derek wanted to apologize to him, but words don't came from his mouth. He was completely blocked. It was the first time that his voice shouted his harsh reality. His mouth had said what his mind was screaming. He was disappointed with himself because of his cowardice. How could she be proud of his more than evident depression? And if she knew his feelings about their baby? Would she be able to hate him?

His deep voice broke into Derek's thoughts "You've thought about suicide?"

"Yes, all the time"

"Have you ever tried?"

"No. Death really scares me. I'm too coward to kill myself "

"You're not a coward, Derek. Everyone has afraid of death, because we know nothing about" Swanson said softly, still looking at his patient, "Penelope doesn't blame you for her sudden death, never for a moment that idea went through her mind "

"You don't know her" he replied defensively, knowing that this man had found his weakness.

Swanson smiled slightly, leaving his notebook on the desk. "You've talked so much about Penelope, I really know her"

He looked at the doctor with a faint smile, silent for several seconds. "She and I had an argument"

"What do you mean?" Swanson said frowning "Wanna talk about it?"

Derek lowered his gaze, fixing his eyes on the floor "She wanted to go out to dinner. I was tired"

"What happened then?"

He sighed heavily, returning to raise his moistened eyes "She was very sad. That day was our first anniversary and I'd completely forgotten about it"

Swanson waited patiently for Derek "She shouted and I shouted too. Then I apologized to her, promising that the next day we would go to her favorite restaurant"

"No date the next day?"

He shook his head "I had to go with the team to Indiana"

"Well, she was mad at you?"

Derek looked at the doctor with his eyes full of sadness. His voice trembled as he replied. "When I returned to Virginia, she was in the hospital. I thought everything was okay, but then her heart began to beat crazy and then her eyes were closed. Someone pulled me out of the room. Five minutes later, she died. And the last moment that I lived with her, it was a fucking fight"


End file.
